"We choose to believe in Jesus – we don’t choose to be gay."
In the conservative Christian Church it is often resounded that none is a greater sin that that of homosexuality. Biblical translations are twisted, the Gospels are diminished, and the very word of Jesus completely dismissed all in the aim to condemn the homosexuals among us.
Why some "Christians" - who are supposed to do nothing other than walk in love - can show so clearly a hate for what they don’t understand or don’t want to accept is a mystery; and clearly an agonizing one for Christians like Jonathan Brower who are forced to struggle with their gay Christian identity in shame.
When the student-run Nickel & Dime Theatre company announced their call for submissions, Brower seized the opportunity to "write this thing I’ve had in me for a while."
He crafted a synopsis based on the lengthy struggles he endured trying to heal himself of his gay orientation while a devoted Evangelical Christian and, on a whim, submitted it on the day of deadline.
His was one of three to be selected for the season.
"I’d been thinking about writing what ended up being this play for about a year or so," Brower says. "But I’ve never written a play before."
Brower, 29, is a double major in drama and communications, studying at the University of Calgary. In his spare time, he is the Founding Co-Artistic Director for Third Street Theatre.
He calls the process of writing this script one of "self-research". He returned to the swathes of anti-gay literature and stacks of conversion guides he had in his possession, recorded sermons, and his own personal journals.
"I could only handle so much," he says. "It’s pretty heavy reading."
These were materials he had already heard for a lion’s share of in his youth, when he was "still fighting against my sexuality".
Brower grew up attending an Evangelical Church in Calgary. When his parents broke away, finding the church’s values too conservative in nature, Brower and his twin sister stayed steadfast within it. Brower moved briefly away to Victoria and came out there while finishing high school at age 18 but, upon returning to Calgary and his former parish, he went back in.
"Because I grew up with an Evangelical mindset I grew up thinking I was going to be somehow involved in Church ministry," he says. "I was totally gung-ho for all things God."
Brower attended Living Waters – a purported Christ-centred ministry with a mandate to help people find hope and live life through experiencing Jesus in their relationships and sexuality – an astounding three times, in true effort to rid himself of what he had been lead to believe was an unrighteous identity.
"I wanted to try to fix this thing about me," he says. "From everything I knew and was told to me in the Church [being gay] was completely wrong and ungodly...even the desires," he says. "I thought if God’s representation on earth is through the people who follow him maybe God does really hate me."
He was inundated with statements like: "People can change; anything with God is possible – that type of mentality," he says, and warned that he was headed down a slippery path to perversity.
Following his move back into Evangelicalism, Brower went to France to attend a Youth with a Mission (YWAM) ministry training school. He divulged to no one but the director that he was gay, and was instructed it stay that way.
"She told me people believe this is wrong...I also believe that...but I want to have sessions with you, but I don’t think you should tell anyone else...you’re going to be in tight quarters with other guys and we don’t want them to be uncomfortable," he recalls. "The day they talked about homosexuality I thought I was going to die."
There he prayed alongside his ministry team for the healing of homosexuals; healing for himself.
"There was never an option that maybe God created me this way," he says.
When no amount of prayer or devotion would convert him from homosexuality it was suggested that he forget any chance of partnering in love and lead a life of celibacy.
"I was always in the pastor’s office having the same conversation...it was agonizing," he says. "I just think it’s so important to tell this story."
Oblivion: A Workshop Production tells not just the story of Brower’s time committed to this manipulative form of counselling, but also paints a broader picture of the perspective conservative Christianity chooses to indoctrinate into its communities; a prospective not everyone might be aware of.
"The play suggests we don’t cure homosexuality but we cure religion," Brower says.
"Oblivion is intense, personal, and on point," director Filsan Dualeh states, calling the script "thought-provoking and presents the inner turmoil stemming from impossibly conflicted values and social mores."
As a director himself the process of handing his first script over to someone else to direct might have been difficult for Brower, had he not been allowed the opportunity for some collaboration.
He was involved in the process of selecting the cast – four actors – and has been tweaking the script as rehearsals progress. He has also been involved in the music selection that will accompany the work.
"I’ve had a lot of conversations with the actors to explain this world that wasn’t familiar to them at all," he describes.
The play will feature some direct quotes from Brower’s old journals – prayers he used to write and utter diligently, and programs will feature a post-it on which audience members are encouraged to scribe comments to leave on a dedicated wall space. This will be in lieu of a talk-back session, as the play is slotted into a tight 45 minute space at noon hour.
As Oblivion: A Workshop Production intends to educate an audience on a subject not often talked about, it should also act as a burden lifter from the shoulders of Brower which have often been made heavy the last half of his life by a slew of ‘emotional and spiritual bullying’.
He’s also suffered through what he calls ‘the trauma of loss’, having received a huge backlash from the church he was a part of since the age of nine. Now he happily attends the Hillhurst United Church with his partner of nearly two years, a church he was once told doesn’t really follow the word of God.
"That was a challenge too," he says, knowing it was going to be said that he fell so far: from seeking ministry in the Evangelical church to what they referred to as ‘a watered down version of Christianity’.
"Now there’s no need to put on a happy face; it’s the closest thing I’ve seen to the come just as you are," he says.
Both his parents have been supportive of his re-emergence as gay, and some of his old friends have shown support as well.
"As things have sort of moved on...a lot of my friends from YWAM have said God loves you no matter what," he says.
He hopes that those who view this play realize that there is a war being fought often silently.
"These are people in love trying to deal with their faith just like any human being is navigating their faith."
