Now that my husband and I have put some significant parenting miles in our life’s rearview mirror – nearly two years now – we have started experiencing the perpetuation of some pretty baseless stereotypes. Aimed at gay fathers in particular, they’re insulting and homophobic, and we’re happily and stubbornly defying all of them. I have always hated stereotypes anyway, and even though they can sometimes be based on caricatures of real folks, they often wrongly define people into subgroups for ridicule. I am just not cool with that. I’m reminded of the gay anthem "I Am What I Am" from La Cage au Folles. In other words, we are what we are, and that is a loving and non traditional family consisting of two doting fathers, an incredibly well adjusted and happy little boy, four dogs, and a kitty.

One of the most often asked questions we get, and by far the most infuriating, is who’s the mom? Every time I hear it I want to snap the person’s head clean off their torso but, instead, I launch into a well rehearsed speech about how domestic life and parenting isn’t all about gender. In fact, our top priority is nurturing a well adjusted child by setting great examples for him to model after, and providing a stable and secure home life so our son can grow up feeling loved and supported no matter what. Our son will always have two very proud fathers, who are more than capable of providing for all his needs, and so far that’s working great for us.

My husband is a ‘mostly stay at home’ dad and domestic God in my eyes. He works part time – about 12 hours a week – mostly so he can maintain some adult relationships outside of our meticulously well maintained home. But make no mistake; his main focus is taking care of our family, and he’s great at it! So although one might be able to say that he is undertaking the more traditional role, once filled by women, like the cooking, cleaning, and shopping, he is still all man in my book – even when he’s baking cookies or making hollandaise sauce for his classic eggs Benedict. In fact, since becoming parents, I find him sexier than ever.

As for me, I’m the main breadwinner, and take care of our family finances, vehicles, heavy lifting etc. I’m in the traditional role once filled by men, but I’m not content to just fall into any preconceived stereotype of what gender roles are and aren’t supposed to be. This is where our family is slightly different, I think for the better, as we try to share as much of the domestic responsibilities as possible. I don’t want my son to grow up with anything less than an open mind to the roles we play in relationships. In a lot of ways, these roles are stereotyped much the same as the top vs. bottom discussion is in the gay community, which I have always found to be less than reliable. You know what I mean.

Another stereotype we have often heard is that men can’t be as nurturing and affectionate as women, and that is just bollocks. Both my husband and I are equally affectionate with our son, and he’s truly the light of our lives. His first complete sentence was "I love you" and, in that moment when I first heard those words, I knew we were on the right track. I’m also noticing lately that my boy has a sensitive and caring heart, and we nurture that every chance we get, whether it be a random kiss, a shared cookie, or a great big bear cub hug. Our son will never be taught that showing affection is wrong. We love each other unconditionally in our family and that is how it’s going to be forever.

Then there is the school of thought that gay men can’t maintain long term relationships which, I admit, is very crucial to effective parenting. Of course we have already proven this stereotype to be completely bogus (with 24 years to our credit) but don’t just take my word for it. Dr. Judith Stacey, a professor of cultural and social analysis at New York University and author of Unhitched: Love, Marriage, and Family Values from West Hollywood to Western China, spent over 14 years studying gay families and discovered – much to her surprise – that the most stable of all homes were that of gay men who had chosen to become parents together. Over the 14 years she researched this topic she said, "I was shocked to find that none of the male couples with children had broken up; not one of them." She attributed the success of the relationships to what she termed ‘self-selection’.

"For men to become parents without women is very difficult, and only a small percentage are able to make the commitment." I think the key word here is commitment, and that goes for all families, not just in the gay community. This makes perfect sense to me because gay men choose to be fathers at great emotional and financial costs, and you don’t do that unless you have really thought about the long-term effects and radical changes in lifestyle; at least we didn’t anyway.

Finally, there is the stereotype that kids from straight relationships have less social stigma and better health and wellbeing overall. Until recently I might have said that the bit about social stigma had some validity, given that some kids are unlucky enough to have extremely homophobic parents, but even that has now been proven wrong. A new Australian study from the University of Melbourne, billed as the largest ever of its kind, aimed to "describe the physical, mental, and social well being" of kids from gay families. What they found is sending some homophobes running for the hills because "on average, children raised by same sex couples scored six per cent higher than the general population when it came to general overall health and family cohesion."

Dr. Simon Crouch from the Jack Brokhoff Child Health and Wellbeing Program at the University says of the study that, "It appears that same sex parent families get along really well and this has a positive affect on overall health." He also says that, "an emphasis on skills, as opposed to assignment of traditional gender roles", accounted for the survey’s results. "So this means that people take on roles that are suited to their skill sets rather than falling into those gender stereotypes, and this leads to a more harmonious family unit."

I can, without reservation, say this is spot on. My husband and I evaluated our strengths and weaknesses on a variety of subjects – ranging from who would potentially earn the most money so one could be at home most of the time, how that would affect each of us, how we deal with other family members, what domestic chores we are best suited for, and many other subjects – so we could provide the very best care and behaviour models for our son. It has really been an effective way to parent. We still have regular discussions about anything and everything concerning our son, and I’m sure we will continue to make adjustments where needed, so he doesn’t miss out on anything.

So there you have it my fellow gay dads. The next time someone trots out one of these awful stereotypes you can confidently laugh at them and let them know that it’s not only insulting to be put into any sort of category, it is downright wrong. Our families are not only special; they are well adjusted, stable, healthy and – most importantly – happy.

Have a merry holiday season and, as always, feel free to send me your comments and personal stories at parentingproud@gmail.com. Until next year, have a safe and festive season!