In the Fall of 2013, an article appeared in the Toronto Star where a reporter went undercover to infiltrate a Christian program that tries to "heal" people struggling with same sex attraction. The same program is currently running in Calgary. Jonathan Brower, Artistic Producer with Third Street Theatre (billed as "Calgary’s Queer Theatre Company") attended it years ago. To this day he still feels the effects of this "counselling" and when he has spoken about his experience with this type of ministry and mentality to those in the conservative church, he has lost friendships, been deleted off Facebook, and called a liar.

Jonathan grew up in Calgary, in a household where both parents attended a church affiliated with the Evangelical Church Alliance. From an early age he faced the knowledge he was different – and different was not good in this church: "all the teaching of that right wing conservative church is quite anti-gay." In his teens, Jonathan and his family had moved to Victoria, and over the next few years in high school and first year university, he started taking tentative steps out of the closet. During that time he was still involved with a Christian church; consequently he was ground zero on the battle between his Christian friends who were telling him homosexuality is wrong and his university friends who were encouraging him to accept and love himself.

Unfortunately, "I decided to move back to Calgary thinking that if I went to Bible College I would be able to find the answers to be able to not have to deal with homosexuality." He went to Ambrose University College and basically went back in the closet. Yet even then there were the voices of doubt - he went there for two weeks until reconsidering and then withdrawing.

Jonathan next signed up with the international Pentecostal organization YWAM (Youth With A Mission). It’s a six month discipleship training program with the goal of building a Christian up as a missionary. As part of the program requirements, you disclose your entire history; Jonathan had to mention he was attracted to men. The pastor mentioned previous YWAM attendees had a similar problem, and recommended Living Waters.

Living Waters is a Christian organization which has been around for quite some time – usually under different names depending on the location (other names include Desert Stream in the USA where they were affiliated with the notorious ex-gay organization Exodus). "So, she recommended I go to this because she’d sent a couple of students who went to this and they were guys and now they’re married with kids so there’s this healing possibility."

This was about 2005 and when Jonathan returned from his six months with WYAM, he was intent on going to the Living Waters program. It was a year long program (weekly meetings) and he participated in it three times (2005-2006, 2009, 2010). Near the end, he was knowledgeable enough in the program to be picked as a small group co-leader (2011).

It might seem surprising a program like this could exist in a progressive country like Canada. Considering how Canadian society has become even more accepting of GLBTQ folk during this same time, I asked Jonathan about the mental gymnastics required to convince someone Living Waters would be a viable option. Jonathan told me in the conservative Christian culture and community in which you live, you are constantly hearing voices of the people around you telling you "this isn’t right... this isn’t what God created you to be... it’s a sin like anybody else has to deal with."

As part of his "counselling" over his same sex attraction, Jonathan’s pastors arranged meetings with ex-gay men. These were Christian men who "...were in their 50’s; married with kids...to give me encouragement and hope. I remember this one meeting so specifically. This guy was sitting on a couch and I came into the pastor’s house...and I meet him, I’m feeling totally awkward... I’m a 17 year old boy and I hear this guy’s story. He says Ask me anything you want. He was a lovely man and he really wanted me to find some peace in my life. A lot of that stuff was about peace, finding peace, not having this struggle."

While this man was discussing his life with his family, Jonathan asked him the ultimate question: Are you still attracted to men? His response was it was still a daily battle. Jonathan responded, "You’re 55 years old, you have three kids, you have a wife, and you’re still experiencing that on a daily basis?! That just blew my mind and I thought this is crazy."

That encounter was the start of Jonathan questioning just what was the honest life for him to lead. When the Toronto Star article recently appeared, Jonathan thought having the reporter go undercover in order to investigate the program was a bit morally grey. Yet, "I don’t know if there’s any other way to do it more objectively than that... but at least it came out."

I still found it mind-boggling any LGBT youth would fall for any kind of conversion therapy when it has been routinely panned as being unsuccessful at best and destructive at worst. The viewpoint a lot of these churches feed youth who are struggling with same sex attraction is that this isn’t God’s plan for you, this world isn’t our own, you just need to get through it to get to heaven.

This mentality breeds the idea you have to hold tight to Jesus and get through the trials of this life. It’s drilled into people from day one –  you are born into sin and need to surrender to God and let him transform you. The problem is that no matter how you dress the message up with words like "transforming" and "healing", you cannot change the essential core of who you are, and if the churches view homosexuality as being abhorrent, you quickly see yourself as a monster.

Additionally, conservative churches encourage an "echo chamber" mentality of only listening to the church’s voices and ignoring any opposing viewpoints. "When I was in my church I remember my pastor saying, if you’re too open minded your brains will fall out. They’d say we need to be in the world, not of it. They’d say go out there and you’re the beacon, you’re the light for the people around you in this dark world to see that Jesus has changed your life. Sure, that’s great, but if the only reason to be in those relationships [with other church members] is to share the gospel and not actually have friendships based on just friendships – there’s always the idea our friends are hopefully going to give their lives to Christ, it makes it insular."

Of course, you would think anyone offering a course promoting the idea you can change your behaviour (especially at this level) would have some education or knowledge of human psychology, right? About that...

"The one guy who was the leader, he had been to Bible College, but that was it. So there’s no counselling degree. And no teaching degree either," Jonathan said. To a certain degree this isn’t news – pastors in many churches give out counselling advice based again not on any training they’ve had but on what scriptures they quote from the bible. "There’s all these people going about things based on the bible...and that’s how they approach their issues..."

Listening to Jonathan further describe it, Living Waters sounds like a support group for addicts – the confessions about your week, the group support, and the leaders who rose up from the ranks but may not actually have any real training.

His final coming out was in 2012. "It was through a It Gets Better video that I posted on Facebook." He had already laid the steps by not attending his original church – instead going to Hillhurst United (which is an LGBT welcoming assembly) so there was some tension. But when the video came out, "...there was a firestorm of backlash and email comments."

Granted he didn’t get too much directly because Jonathan knew this would be upsetting and had already purged his friends a bit, and had resigned any positions at his old church, but even then, he lost almost all social contact with his old church – this is a church he’d been attending since he was nine.

He did maintain friendships with two more progressive Christians from his old church. They still keep in contact and they still tell him they love him – sadly, it’s always with exceptions. "It’s still I love you even though you’re...you know." One of those two friends posted Jonathan’s video on her page and while his page received few negative comments, a lot of people in the church commented on her page with the expected responses (he’s going to hell, this is unbiblical, god save his soul, etc.).

"It was the type of thing you see in the US – that type of response. But on my page when I posted it all I had was positive comments....in a lot of ways that’s how parts of the very conservative Christian churches are," to your face they’ll tell you they love you, but on the down low they are saying very unchristian things about you.

Fortunately, at Hillhurst United, his family was more accepting. His mother told him she will love and support him no matter what. Jonathan originally came out to his father previously by telling him "I’m stopping school because I’m going to spend some time working on not being gay. He said Are you kidding me? Just go to school and be gay. Why does it matter? It was not what I was expecting...he was totally supportive."

Jonathan’s sister’s response was a bit different, as she’s still involved with a Christian church. It was "No matter what, I love you, but there wasn’t the support behind it." She’s still trying to process it in her own way. The church she’s with is still a bit cold toward homosexuals.

Jonathan is a bit philosophical about the path he took to get out of the closet. "I’m the type of person who says no regrets. I’m here where I’m at because of the things I went through. I have that idea that the wounded deer leaps the highest. I look back on all my efforts trying to not be who I was. I was still trying to be authentic, but I thought that authenticity was in ridding myself of being attracted to men because that wasn’t okay under God."

"I would say in terms of the damage Living Waters and that type of [homophobic] thinking in conservative churches – even if they’re not outright saying or touching on the issue of homosexuality – the damage to those people who are still in the closet who are believing that and trying to change their orientation...I guess I would say don’t go to Living Waters if you are gay."

Jonathan still has a lot of those negative voices in his head about his sexuality. "I’m constantly challenged in my own mind because of those things. I kind of wish I could dissolve all that and start fresh. I wish I hadn’t fought so long against myself because now I’m 28 and I’m still trying to figure out who I am...as someone who is in a faith background I would say you don’t have to pick a side. Everyone told me I had to pick a side – you either choose God or you choose to be gay. And that’s it. And I don’t agree. I would say don’t listen to people who say you have to make a choice between one or the other." Jonathan has finally found a place where he can be happy as both Christian and a gay man.