During the more than 15 years I have been out, I have met many gay couples who have developed different relationship styles. I have myself negotiated both open and closed relationships, many times wondering “which is better,” and if one is superior in any sense, “why is it better?” My personal and professional experience has left me thinking that both are viable options, but I haven’t had my own notions validated in any scientific way. Science – in terms of psychology – means that what we profess is based on the outcome of what we know from studies of large samples of people, or from smaller samples of individuals who have been interviewed and/or observed.

This month’s quest is about exploring what we know about open versus closed relationships. Before delving into this, I want everyone to know from the outset that the research tells us that at any given time, between 40 and 80 percent of lesbians are in steady relationships and likewise between 40 and 60 percent of gay men. [1] Furthermore, when compared to heterosexual couples, gay and lesbian couples are just as much in love and just as satisfied with their relationships, [2] and whew, we are just as well adjusted psychologically too! [3]

One large-scale study concerning relationship stability reported a break-up rate of 4%, 14%, 13%, and 18% for heterosexual married couples, heterosexual cohabiting couples, gay male cohabiting couples, and cohabiting lesbian couples, respectively, over an 18 month period. [4] Considering this study was American and predated the legalization of same-sex marriage throughout Canada, it appears that our relationships are as stable as that of heterosexuals. Research has also suggested that gay and lesbian relationships may have certain advantages over heterosexual ones, but reviewing these findings will need to await a future article.

Now that the viability of our relationships – whatever form they take – has been established, let’s move onto looking at open versus closed relationships. As a beginning caveat, I was unable to secure research done with lesbian couples, although I am certainly aware that some lesbians do have open relationships with their partners. I cannot, however, in good faith comment on them without having research at my disposal. It does appear that there is a dearth of research in this area - it would no doubt make an interesting thesis or dissertation for a graduate student to undertake!

A 2004 study [5] surveyed gay male couples who had been together for at least a year, and who were currently cohabiting. The 121 couples who responded were divided into three groups based on each partner’s responses (they completed these separate from each other): (a) 40 couples were strictly monogamous, (b) 48 couples were open, and (c) 33 couples were monogamous with outside sex (broken agreement). When the relationship quality of groups was compared, there were no differences between groups (a) and (b). Group (c) was found to have less relationship quality, but only when the sexual “cheating” occurred more than a year earlier. Furthermore, there was no diminution of relationship quality between those who discussed their broken fidelity with their partners and those who didn’t. The researcher concluded that in accordance with previous findings, “many men separate sex from love and prize sexual variety.”

Don’t let me give you the impression that openness and monogamy are without conflict in gay male relationships, however. A study based on interviews with 11 gay male couples in New Zealand [6] found that although their sample had conventional (i.e., valuing monogamy) notions of relationships, most of them believed monogamy was not sustainable and their relationships were characterized by anxiety around infidelity. Furthermore, they were reluctant to disclose outside sexual activity or to even discuss having an open relationship with their partners.

Researchers do not know the exact percentage of gay men who are in open relationships. One national American study from 1994 found that 10% stated they were in open relationships, [7] whereas a 1992 British study found 56.3% were in open relationships. [8] Still another American study from 1984 found that all of the 156 gay male couples that participated, each together for over five years, were in non-monogamous relationships. [9] Clearly more current research has shown that both monogamy and non-monogamy are options for couples, and when outside sex is permitted or when it occurs without the partner’s awareness, it does not necessarily mean that the gay couple is in trouble.

Gay male couples who chose monogamy do so because they perceive monogamy to be synonymous with commitment and intimacy. They also report that it avoids jealousy from entering into their relationship and eradicates a fear of HIV infection. [10] Gay male couples who chose non-monogamy do so because they value personal and sexual freedom, and some of them believe that outside sex has a positive impact on their relationship. [11]

Most coupled gay men who have negotiated outside sexual experiences establish guidelines that safeguard their primary relationship. [12] How do they do this? Here are a few examples of what has been negotiated by some couples:

• Only have outside sex when travelling.

• Only see the same person once or twice.

• Only engage in threesomes so that both you and your partner are involved.

• Practice safer sex with outside partners.

• For those who cohabitate, don’t bring anyone home for sex – do it elsewhere.

• Tell the outsider that you are in a relationship, and if an emotional connection begins to develop, don’t see the person again.

Bottom line is this: if you want to have an open relationship from the outset, or you decide you want this once you have already entered into a relationship, discuss it with your partner. I assume you are with him or her because you truly value this individual – if that is not the case, you really need to look at what is still holding the two of you together. Assuming you do cherish your partner, he or she deserves the very best from you. There is really no place for dishonesty in an intimate relationship, and as you probably already know, outside sexual activity can put your partner at undeserved risk for contracting sexually transmitted diseases from you. Many gay coupled men actually like the idea of allowing outside sexual activity, so don’t be afraid to discuss it openly. If your partner doesn’t want to go there, and you do, this is the kind of conflict that is sometimes good reason to move on. One of the nice things about being gay is that we often maintain friendships with ex-lovers, so you don’t have to give up the person just because you have given up the sex.

Dr. Alderson is an associate professor of counselling psychology at the University of Calgary who specializes in gay and lesbian studies. He also maintains a private practice. He can be contacted by confidential email at alderson@ucalgary.ca, or by confidential voice mail at 605-5234.

References:

1. Bohan, J. S. (1996). Psychology and sexual orientation: Coming to terms. New York: Routledge.

2. Ibid

3. Kurdek, L. A. (2004). Are gay and lesbian cohabiting couples really different from heterosexual married couples? Journal of Marriage and Family, 66, 880-900.

4. Ibid

5. LaSala, M. C. (2004). Extradyadic sex and gay male couples: Comparing monogamous and nonmonogamous relationships. Families in Society, 85, 405-412.

6. Worth, H., Reid, A., & McMillan, K. (2002). Somewhere over the rainbow: Love, trust, and monogamy in gay relationships. Journal of Sociology, 38, 237-253.

7. Bryant, S., & Demian. (1994). Relationship characteristics of American gay and lesbian couples: Findings from a national survey. Journal of Gay and Lesbian Social Services, 1, 101-117.

8. Hickson, F. C., Davies, P. M., Hunt, A. J., Weatherburn, P., McManus, T. J., & Coxon, A. P. (1992). Maintenance of open gay relationships: Some strategies for protection against HIV. AIDS Care, 4, 409-419.

9. McWhirter, D., & Mattison. (1984). The male couple: How relationships develop. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.

10. LaSala, M. C. (2004). Monogamy of the heart: Extradyadic sex and gay male couples. Journal of Gay and Lesbian Social Services, 17, 1-24.

11. Ibid.

12. Ibid.