When I envisioned GayCalgary.com and GayCalgary Magazine, it was to highlight the LGBTQ+ community of Alberta. Rob and I saw that our role should be like traditional media. We were to be in the background, write the publishers column, do article assignments, edit, take photos and so forth. The idea of being on the other side of the camera was not really supposed to happen except in very special circumstances.

With the brand being GayCalgary, focus was on the community, businesses, drag queens/kings, performers, and events with our writers creating the content along with the photos and videos we took. It would be no different than all other prior gay publications and mainstream media. Other than for a couple mainstream magazines, you would never see the owners, publishers or editors constantly featured throughout the magazine. If anything, you would see a photo of them by the column they wrote.

It felt like it was taboo to display yourself in the magazine. I remember when Rob and I were out at bars or events, people would make back handed comments about other gay publications if the owner or editor had written a travel feature based on a trip they took. They would make comments like "oh look, [insert publishers name] is showing off another high-end trip that no one can afford. What a showoff." Hearing comments like that, Rob and I decided to hold off on writing travel articles.

With hesitation it took us six years after starting the magazine before we did our first travel feature. We were worried about the optics in the LGBTQ community because there could have been some negative backlash just like the other publication had received.  It took us 5 more years before doing the next travel feature. Only at that point, we realized that we needed some time away and enjoy at least some of the benefits of running a magazine. It seemed ok if we had a freelance writer do the travel feature, but it was not ok for Rob or I to take a trip and write about it.

It should not be a surprise that I prefer to be behind the camera. Being fat shamed while growing up and seeing photos family photos, I started to avoid being in front of the lens. Rob has seen some of the photos of me growing up. Either my mom was playing a nasty joke on me or she did not understand that sometimes the clothes she was buying would be bad for myself esteem later in life. There are true stories of my mom having my dad, brother and I wear Lederhosen to Chinook Centre. Her reasoning was that a relative from Europe sent them to us and we need to wear them.

Fat shaming also does happen in our community too. In the early years of the magazine, we had accepted an advertisement which unknowingly had a hidden message saying, "Steve is fat". We did not notice the hidden message until after the hard copies were in circulation. The advertisement came in at the last minute from a theatre company that never existed. I wrote about my life of being overweight, and the ad running in the magazine in an article "Big Boys Don’t Cry? Being Fat and Gay" in our September 2006 edition (http://www.gaycalgary.com/i35)

With how I looked like growing up and the fat shaming in our community, of course I would have self-esteem issues. It was one of the reasons why Rob was photographed more than me if we out in the community. Now with Rob no longer part of the magazine, it has created some challenges where it forces me to be in front of the camera more than I would like to.

Technology has changed, so has media. When we started doing video interviews, I could assign a writer to do it. Though that is not always possible, which puts me in front of the camera. While I edit the videos and I criticize myself for the clothes I was wearing or that I look like a slob. I have even terms for some of my ugly looks on camera which some of them came from my family when I was growing up.

Over the past 4 or 5 years, I have come across bloggers and social media influencers. While at Whistler Pride, I met Barb Snelgrove of Mega Mouth Media. She knows I stand back and watch her doing her selfies and post things live to her Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts. I have looked at her funny several times doing it. For me, it is just something I don’t think ever do. She lives in the world of being a social media influencer but also lives in the world of radio at Roundhouse Radio 98.3 in Vancouver. She has created a famous brand and image of herself that people want to follow and listen to.

After spending a lot of time with her at Whistler and at Jasper, I still try to understand everything she does on social media. For me, the brand is GayCalgary, the brand is not me. I do own GayCalgary, I own the registered trademark of GayCalgary and the domain, but I don’t see myself being the face of GayCalgary. I see GayCalgary more than just me. It is the product of results of what the collaborate effort is to produce the content that is GayCalgary. Thinking about it this way also kept me behind the scenes and not in front of the camera. So, taking photos for selfies would be very awkward for me.

This year, Whistler Pride had a "SOCIAL MEDIA – LGBT Destination Marketing Workshop". Guys I would spend a lot of time with during Whistler Pride 2017 was Karl and Daan from Couple of Men, Stefan and Sebastien from Nomadic Boys, Kit and John from the Netflix series Eastsiders. Karl and Daan I had met a year prior at Jasper Pride and it was great to see them again. With everyone else, it was meeting new friends for the first time.

What these guys do for their social media feed and websites totally goes out of my comfort zone. We were together for most of the same events and activities. As I stopped to do photos of the event, food or scenery, watching them do their selfies made me realize how much was involved to get that perfect single shot for them to post to social media. It also helps that they all have perfect bodies. Some of them still think they are not perfect enough but knowing what I put myself though with my weight and looks, these guys have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Also, the guys would also enjoy themselves and party. This is something that I have not really been able to do. When I am out covering events, it is work for me, not a party. Seeing them have fun reminded me of watching the otters playing away at the Vancouver Aquarium. They would do their photos while they party or pose for my camera. It was great to have willing subjects that would constantly posed for photos. They had so much energy too. I have energy but for me it is the constant go go go type of energy of making sure I get as much content as possible instead of using the energy to enjoy myself.

Even though these guys are doing selfies and enjoying themselves, they do still find time to write up some stuff and post it on their websites or social media feeds. With the magazine, the format of an article is a lot different. I also need to think about layout on the website and in the magazine.

For example, when I do an accommodation review, it is all about the room and the hotel, you never will see me in photos or in the video walk through. For them, they could easily be in robes looking out a window or on the bed in pj bottoms or underwear. If I did that, I think I would scare readers away. I think the comments I would get would be something like, "Who wants to see that fat fuck?". Sadly, that is a similar comment I have heard. So, when I do product reviews on video, you only see my hands or my torso.

While covering Whistler Pride, the guys would ask me if I wanted to join them while they did their selfies. I said no each time. Since I don’t do selfies, I felt it would be awkward for me to join them. I know how hard these guys try to get great shots, and I did not want to let them down by ruining their photos.

I always have the mind set that I am there to cover the event and that everyone else is more important to photograph than me. I am not there to party, and if I am there doing photos of myself, then I am not doing my job capturing the event. But every time I said no to these guys, I felt like I let them down and disappointed them. In the end, they just stopped asking.

Only on the last day as everyone was taking off, I finally said sure, I will do a selfie with them. Not everyone was able to do it with me before they left. I have regretted being such a stick in the mud instead of enjoying myself like they have during the trip.

The magazine started before social media happened, your image was very different. Perception was reality and it was a bad thing in most cases. If I was perceived enjoying myself and not taking my business seriously, I was criticized for it alongside of the fat shaming and anything else people would throw at you. Breaking out of that mind set to be a social media influencer like Barb and the guys is not easy.

All that baggage of my weight, perception of lack of professionalism, seeing the unflattering photos of my past and so forth has held me back. There is a lot for me to overcome to find that happy balance but after running everything for over 26 years with 14 years of that being the magazine, maybe it is time for me to enjoy some of the events while I am taking photos. Maybe if I get enough confidence, I will pop my head around to the other side of the lens every now and then too.

Related Articles

Contributor Steve Polyak |

Locale Whistler |

Topic History | Publisher's Column |