Christmas is an especially fun time of year for our cats. With our artificial Christmas tree and all the flashy decorations, the holidays become a glorified salad bar for them. Last year they got a little carried away plucking the needles from the tree, and ended up pulling it over. This year we took pre-emptive action by sprinkling pepper across the tree skirt, which is supposed to discourage them from hanging around underneath. Snoopy still managed to snatch a number of decorations from the tree and ran off with them…luckily they’re plastic, not glass, so we weren’t too concerned. Child-safe tinsel was also a godsend, as not surprisingly we found a great deal of it in their litter box – the aftermaths of midnight snacks. Eventually they figured out how to push the tree skirt out of the way so that the pepper was no longer effective, and Snoopy tried climbing up the center column. They are smart but mischievous little buggers, and luckily Santa brought them some real toys to play with so that the tree faded to only a secondary distraction.
I had a relaxing stay at my parent’s place on Christmas Eve, and then joined Steve for dinner with his family on Christmas Day. Once again, Christmas with the Polyaks was a pleasant but baffling experience. To give you an idea of what I mean, last year after dinner the conversation went something like this:
Steve’s Mom: “Rob, do you want to take home a drumstick?”
Rob: “No thanks, our fridge is pretty full.”
Steve’s Mom: “Does Steven want a drumstick?”
Rob: “No, I’m sure he’s fine too.”
[A few minutes later, as I sit in the car waiting to go home…]
Steve’s Mom: “Here, have a drumstick!”
On New Years Eve I did the usual running around to all of the bars and the GirlsGo dance. Thanks to our writer Jason, I didn’t have to bus and walk everywhere as I did on Halloween. Meanwhile, Steve was in Edmonton doing the same running around, making it was our first New Years Eve away from one another. In Calgary, although I was surrounded by friends and acquaintances, without Steve the night didn’t really feel like a special occasion at all. When midnight hit, so many people around us were kissing their boyfriends or girlfriends. All Steve and I had was a phone call where it was too noisy to even hear one another.
In Edmonton, Boots bar was kind enough to invite Steve to their New Years dinner. Unfortunately he didn’t know any of the other people who attended, and feeling depressed already, wasn’t his usual talkative and outgoing self. He took photographs, chatted with the few Edmontonians that he does know so far, and even bumped into a few Calgarians along the way.
Steve and I realized this year that we do make a great deal of personal sacrifices to honour our commitment to the magazine. This is something that we ourselves choose to do, and we certainly would not ask those around us to follow suit. We realize that many have lives outside of the gay community, and that being a part of it is something done purely for recreation. In our case, and indeed the case of many gay businesses, the community is a part of our livelihood and thus we do have to take it quite seriously. This can often make us appear overzealous workaholics to those just out to have a good time, and I’m beginning to wonder if maybe they have a point despite my weak justifications.
Since the magazine started, Steve and I haven’t been able to pull ourselves away long enough for a proper holiday getaway together. I don’t think many people can appreciate how difficult it is to put a magazine like ours on hold. Even if we step out for just an hour to run an errand – to grab lunch, or make a bank deposit – it worries us that we might, and often do miss important phone calls. People often phone just as we are leaving, which often makes us late for other commitments. My parents have dragged me off for the occasional break between press deadlines, but Steve has to stay behind to man the fort. I believe our New Year’s resolution this year is pretty clear – to set more time aside for ourselves. Regrettably, resolutions are often all too easy to break.
Bullshit!
Over the past several months, Steve and I have taken to watching a series on MenTV called “Penn and Teller’s Bullshit!” It’s a show where the magician duo examine a number of notoriously slippery topics and dissect them with tongue-in-cheek yet surprisingly informative commentaries. In their profession they create illusions to fool people for fun, but everyday people are being fooled – or fooling themselves – in a way that is physically, mentally, or even financially harmful. Penn and Teller set out to expose these illusions for what they really are – total BULLSHIT!
A few months ago, conservative and religious groups were objecting to gay marriage on the grounds that they believed that it would be harmful to children – that a family structure other than one man and one woman would somehow stunt the proper development of a child. Although our own Kevin Alderson did a great job of digging up psychological evidence proving that this was not the case, Penn and Teller’s episode on Family Values would have probably shut up all the nay-sayers just as quickly…if only we had known about it earlier, we might have sent them a copy.
The series deals with a multitude of topics, not surprisingly a handful of which revolve around the bible and religious fanaticism. In their Bible: Fact or Fiction? episode, they debunk the literal interpretation of the bible by using a method even the thumpers couldn’t argue with – simply by reading passages from it. In Holier Than Thou, they expose Mother Theresa as a sadistic, power-hungry fanatic, and Ghandi as a pedophilic, enema-hungry racist. I wouldn’t have believed it to hear it as bluntly as I just put it, but watch the episode and see for yourself.
The image of the Virgin Mary found on a grilled cheese sandwich? It’s nothing but the tendency of the human brain to distinguish familiar patterns out of random chaos – burn patterns on a piece of toast. In my own experience, I can see whacky cartoon faces in the ceiling stucco when I stare at it for long enough. But some people attribute religious power to such sightings, and worse, exploit others for money to experience it too. At best, the image on the sandwich looked like a woman – how they drew the conclusion it was specifically the Virgin Mary was a stretch of an overactive religious imagination. It’s sad and ridiculous, but so many people fall for it.
They talk about how anti-profanity censorship is single-handedly responsible for giving arbitrary words the power to shock and offend, and how so many pet lovers support P.E.T.A. not even knowing that one of the organization’s goals is to stop us from keeping pets! Apparently the US chapter of P.E.T.A. has all the fixings of a terrorist organization, but in another episode there’s even bullshit behind the safety-hysteria spurred on by 9-11. A lot of us already suspected that bottled water was BS, but they’ll definitively tell you why, and show just how eager people are to believe that plain old water from a garden hose is worth $30 a bottle, or more!
They’re not at all shy to talk about sex, and show full-frontal male and female nudity in several episodes. They had a whole episode about circumcision, and in the one about Hair, showed someone getting their “winker” waxed! Their Family Values episode talked about swingers and gay couples raising kids, and how the “traditional” family structure has been anything but the norm throughout history - even in the world today.
I don’t think there’s a single person who could watch the series and not learn something shocking about real-world stuff. Granted, you can’t believe everything you see on TV, but take a look at the evidence that they present because they do a really good job of proving their points. It is a show after our own hearts, so Steve and I highly recommend it to any and all who don’t appreciate falling victim to trickery. Consider it an inoculation for the fakes, frauds, con-artists, shameless opportunists, and other such “motherfuckers” that you didn’t even know were out there!
Thank You for Not Smoking!
Though second-hand smoke was also a topic on “Penn and Teller’s Bullshit!”, Steve and I are glad that Calgary’s bars and restaurants have gone non-smoking. After visiting Edmonton so much where a similar smoking ban is already in effect, Steve has been quite grateful not having his clothes reek of smoke by the end of the night. Even my parents used to comment that my fresh clothes smelled of smoke from my winter coat that I wore out to a bar the night before. And hey – at least the terminals won’t collect as much grime as they have at the bars in the past.
It will be interesting to see how things balance out as people get used to the new restriction. Steve and I have not been out since New Years so we don’t really know how well people are adapting. As other cities have reported, there is an initial slow-down in business before things return to normal – or better than normal, according to some. We encourage all those non-smokers who have been avoiding the smokey bars to come out, enjoy your new freedom, and show the bars and restaurants that this sacrifice was worth it.

Bar Banter
Steve was in Edmonton earlier in December and attended the Roost’s Annual Children’s Christmas Party. It was the first event of its kind that we’ve seen in the gay community, where a bar holds a function for the children of staff and patrons, complete with Santa Claus and presents. Steve was surprised to see how many gay couples in Edmonton actually had kids. Thinking back on the number of Calgarians that have mentioned their children in passing, it’s highly likely that such an event would do well for Calgary too.
Meanwhile, the Living Christmas tree was a huge success at the Calgary Eagle this month. Aiden graciously volunteered his body to be painted over with green latex, and then adorned with Christmas ornaments on clips. Customers bought the ornaments, and were given free reign to pin them on his body wherever they wanted to. Although the shorts had to stay on him at all times, his crotch was definitely the most popular place to hang things. He also had a number of decorations clipped to his face, which became further irritated when his motorized Santa hat flailed him with a stray ornament on the pom-pom. If you thought it looked painful with all the decorations on, the real pain came when they took it all off again – the clips were yanked, and the layer of latex took hair off with it. He sure wasn’t taking Kelly Clarkson’s name in vain! In the end, the Eagle raised over $1,100 for Beswick House, and gave all of us that attended a very entertaining night.
Twisted Element hit off the New Year with their Chicago-style party. Tickets sold out a number of days beforehand and scalpers swooped in to make a couple of bucks from those still desperate to acquire them. Twisted usually sells tickets for major events so that they can cover the cost of additional decorations, staff costumes, and party favours. The owners have explained to us in the past that tickets do not always guarantee entry – the club still has to observe capacity restrictions; beyond a certain time, latecomers with tickets must still wait, as people without tickets may have been allowed entry in the meantime. Twisted does put reasonable limitations on the number of tickets a single person can buy, but there is little they can do if others are willing to pay generously to those who aren’t so attached to their tickets. My only advice is to plan ahead and buy your own tickets early. If you’re in an entrepreneurial mood – last time I checked, scalping wasn’t exactly legal, so don’t go getting any bright ideas.
Even we had to deal with a number of people begging us to “pull some strings” to get tickets for them, or otherwise get them into Twisted on New Years Eve. I’m not exactly sure what strings we were supposed to be pulling…if there are no more tickets then there are no more tickets. We only get past the line-ups because A) the owners and staff know Steve and I, and B) they know we’re there to take photos for the magazine, not to hang out like regular patrons. This in-privilege does not even extend to our writers, and rightly so, we would frown upon anyone abusing their association with the magazine for something like this. So the bottom line: we do not use our media privileges to deliver personal favours – it’s not fair, so please don’t ask us.
Video Clips
Though the streaming video and audio clips in our magazine have become pretty popular, it’s been a bit of a rocky ride on our end to get them prepared for the past two issues. Editing and encoding the content takes a fair amount of time, but there have been a couple of other kinks responsible for the delays in posting the online edition. We are hoping that we have worked it all out for this month, but only time will tell.
We also had to rethink our initial method of attaching videos to corresponding photos in the photograph sections. We now make a single video for the entire event by splicing all of the individual clips together. You’ll recognize many of the performances from the photos, but you may also see ones that do not have photo equivalents printed in the magazine. Look for the television icons on the page to begin playing the clip for the event.
Reader’s Choice Survey
Yes, it’s that time of year again! Our 3rd Annual Reader’s Choice survey helps us to understand who our readers are, and what we can do to make our magazine better. The survey contains a nomination section for categories in our Reader’s Choice Awards, so vote for your favorite individuals and establishments. Once again, those who submit a valid survey have the chance to win prizes in a draw! This year the grand prize winner will receive a $125 gift certificate to the Bay, and the runner up will get a similar certificate for $75. Use it to get yourself that Christmas gift that nobody bought for you!
The survey is printed in this issue and in February’s magazine too. The prize draw will be held in March, and some of the results will be published in the April edition. Ballot boxes are available in Calgary and Edmonton at the gay bars and select businesses. See page 29 for survey details.
If you’re looking rather to express your opinion, write a letter to the publisher by E-mailing Publisher@gaycalgary.com. If you’ve got something good to say about someone or something, then that’s awesome! If you’ve got something bad to say about someone or something…well, just try to keep those claws sheathed!