Well, I don’t know about any of you, but I am one of those people that walks purposefully through life with huge 1983-style rose coloured glasses, and beware the poor sucker that tries to tear them from my perspective. Shortly after coming out of the closet in 1997 I decided with reckless abandon to sell most of what I owned, pack what little I had left and head east over the Rockies to the Canadian promised land. On February 18th, 1998, with $500 in my bank account and a one way plane ticket in hand, I boarded a West Jet plane bound for Calgary, Alberta.

I was new. I mean shiny green leaf new. Naïve, optimistic and ready to take on the world. I thought the lesbian community was all women loving women, full of connection, love and political empowerment. The thought would never have occurred to me that anyone in this grand new community that I now considered myself a part of, would ever find themselves involved in any sort of intimate partner violence. Enter…my rude awakening!

It was Saturday, February 21st, 1998. Another woman from Victoria had lifted my number from a plea I had posted on the University of Calgary campus looking for a queer friendly roommate. She too recently moved to Calgary and was eager to connect with another Islander. I was somewhat taken aback when she called, but quickly warmed to the idea of meeting someone with whom I shared past experiences while moving toward exploring new ones. Her name was Susan, and she and a couple of friends were heading to Rooks, the local lesbian bar, that evening. She asked if I would be interested in coming along and excited about the idea of being around my Calgarian peers, I was quickly styling myself for a night on the town.

That night I was completely overwhelmed by Rooks and all of her patrons. I had no idea that over time it would come to be one of my favorite places to share in the lives of new friends, lovers, and some of the craziest and beautiful people I would have the privilege to know. To this day I still miss it as I pass that silly gorilla hanging from the sign that once read “Rooks Bar and Beanery.”

My new acquaintance and I made our way downstairs to the dance portion of the bar, she wasn’t much of dancer so we talked for while before I abandoned our conversation for dancing with whomever would ask me to, and of course, by myself. I’ve never been a girl to shy away from getting jiggy with my bad self. After dancing for a while I went back to make small talk with Susan about Calgary and what the gay community was like here, when both of us noticed a couple over by the DJ booth involved in what seemed like a somewhat heated conversation. By their body language it seemed they were obviously together, but between their somewhat private/public displays of affection their interaction was something short of amicable. The more masculine of the two shoved her lover against the wall in a none too loving way and broke out in slurred speeches of barely understood verbal attacks which eventually culminated in her fist hitting her supposed loved one’s face. I remember other patrons pulling the women apart and I remember the whole thing as though it happened in slow motion. I was in a state of shock - no, shear disbelief. In my mind, there was no way that those two were lesbians, clearly they were just a couple of messed up chicks from the burbs that had too much to drink, and had some sort of anger management issues. That is where my judgmental bone took me, because there was no way I was going to believe that they were a part of any community that I would count myself a member. It made me sick to my stomach. Yes, this was my rude awakening.

Since that time I have come to realize that even my precious queer loving community has its illnesses, including intimate partner violence. And I would dare you to try and pick the offenders out of any crowd - it’s just not that easy. They are femme, butch, trans and every permeation in the grand continuum that is considered the queer community. You may even be among them.

Since that night I’ve learned it can be quite the taboo to talk about the violence in our community. Some community leaders would have us believe that to talk about such things only fuels the fire of opponents to queer rights, but I argue it only goes to show that our relationships are really not that different in the end. We have similar triumphs and similar challenges. We come from two parent families, one parent families, and no parent families, families that thrive and families that merely survive the conditions created by and around them. And in coming from these families just like our heterosexual counterparts we are faced with the challenge of making things better for ourselves and the next generation. Sometimes we are successful, and sometimes not so much, but until we learn to acknowledge our challenges and reach out to help each other move past the point of survival, we have no chance of thriving in this world today.

Thankfully, as I write to you there are wonderful groups here in our community currently working to help each and every one of us do better things for ourselves and future generations. One such organization found here in Calgary is Resolve, a tri-prairie research institute on family violence and violence against women. Their funding is a direct result of monies dedicated by the federal government after the Montreal Massacre of 1989, and they take the responsibility of collecting pertinent research into violence against women very seriously. The information they collect is used to influence policies and practices at every level of organization including, but not limited to, the Federal government, Provincial Government, social assistance, health care, justice, and shelter or safe house organizations.

Resolve is currently conducting the first longitudinal study on women and abuse in Canada; The Healing Journey: A Long-Term Study of Women Affected by Intimate Partner Violence. I had the pleasure of talking to Kendra Nixon, Project Coordinator at Resolve, and was curious to understand the focus of this particular study. She explained to me that it is all about working toward an understanding of how women heal over time, their survival stories, and how they go on to hopefully thrive in their lives. For Kendra the study’s importance was all about identifying and “appreciating women’s resiliency and strength.” The results will be passed on to those organizations mentioned above in order to improve services offered to women along their healing journey.

Resolve is looking for participants for The Healing Journey. They are interested in learning more about the wellbeing, health and parenting concerns of women who have experienced violence in their intimate relationships. Interviews for this study will be conducted over a three and half year period and a $50 honorarium will be given for each interview in appreciation for the time and effort involved. All interviews will be kept confidential and your name will never be recorded with your answers. Resolve is interested in maintaining the health and safety of women who have experienced violence in their intimate relationships and will make sure that your safety and privacy are respected. They are especially interested in speaking with lesbian and bisexual women who have experienced intimate partner violence. If you are interested in participating in or learning more about the study, please call their toll free, confidential line at 1-877-220-8166.

It is important to note that the issue of intimate partner violence is one found among all genders in our community and immediate assistance is available to those of us in need. Violence in Gay Male Relationships (VIGOR) is a committee of professionals dedicated to increasing the awareness of gay men’s violence and the services available to them. To visit their website go to www.vigorcalgary.ca. Peer Support Services for Abused Women is a community based program providing peer based support to women who have left an abusive relationship and are in need of emotional support; they can be contacted at (403) 234-7337. Another viable but underutilized community resource is the Calgary Distress Centre. The Calgary Distress Centre 24 hour Crisis and Addictions Line is (403) 266-1605, or the Calgary Distress Centre Men’s Line is (403) 266-4357.

Facts:

• 25-33% of all gay relationships involve domestic violence

• Domestic violence includes physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, economic and spiritual abuse

• Domestic violence occurs in all segments of the gay community

• Domestic violence has nothing to do with sex roles or physical appearance

• Domestic violence is the third major health risk for gay men

• Alcohol and drug use is an excuse for the abuser to blame something else

• Isolation in domestic violence is increased by homophobia and heterosexism

• The fear of having to “out” yourself if you talk about the abuse often keeps gay men in silence

• BDSM relationships have agreements and “safe” words to stop any nonconsensual behaviour, abuse ignores these

• Domestic violence can lead to short and long-term physical and emotional health problems

• The National Leather Association International has an official statement against domestic violence in the leather/SM/fetish community

• You can legally apply for a Restraining Order against an abusive gay partner

(Cited from the New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project)

I think Maya Angelou put it best when she said that “to survive is important, but to thrive is elegant.” Let’s take care of each other, speak these unspeakable truths, and move past the point of survival. Together we can put an end to intimate partner violence, regardless of gender!
Peace, Love, and Outrage!