Chat

Walking out of the courtroom on July 14, 2009, was a little bit like waking up from a nightmare. The part where you’re still not quite awake and debating whether it was, or is, real – and not convinced that everything is OK yet. That was the day that I was acquitted of 7 counts of sexual assault on a former student.

My partner of 9 years, friends, and family gathered around for hugs, a little weeping and a lot of sighs of relief. We celebrated and talked about the trial. The question that kept coming up was “Why?”

I’ve never been one to play ‘the gay card’ in straight society. For almost 20 years as a men’s gymnastics coach I didn’t openly reveal it at work so as not to make my athletes or the parents uncomfortable. Yet when we were discussing homophobia leading up to the trial, my lawyer said to me, “Ray, look from the outside in, that's exactly what's happened here”.

I started coaching the boy I was accused of molesting when he was 11. He was from a troubled family, and eventually his mother turned up on our doorstep with her son and daughter because she had nowhere else to go. With the encouragement of the Children’s Aid Society, this family was invited to live with my partner and I as a ‘stable environment’ for the children. Once the family moved in with us I received a  call from the mother's husband accusing me of having an affair with her. I calmly explained that I was gay, in a relationship and was not sleeping with his wife.

One week later, I received a call from the Children's Aid Society. Asked to attend a meeting at the police station in Durham Region. The mother was furious her husband was telling the police that he had 'concerns' over his son spending time with his coach. She stated was only called in because her vindictive husband was homophobic and angry at her because she left him. "My husband doesn't want his son around a fag," repeating what her husband had told her.
Once I arrived at the police station. I was asked why I thought I was there. I told them I believed I was there because his wife and children moved in with me and I told the husband I was gay. His wife told me he hated gay people.

CAS began to tell me that I was there because the father had concerns I was sexually assaulting his son. I explained the extend of my role in his son's life and this was excepted as reasonable.
Throughout their stay with us, the mother's emotional well-being seemed to deteriorate. This was expected by us and we dismissed this behaviour somewhat, relating it to her tumultuous relationship with her husband. As time went on an attraction developed towards me. She even told me straight out (and repeated this in court) that she was in love with me and wanted me to break up with my partner. Things in our household started to go sour, and then bizarre, as the jealousy grew. The family nominally moved to the empty apartment upstairs, but mom often wouldn’t let her son in, telling him to go downstairs. As she explored drugs and suicidal tendencies and involved herself in a violent lesbian relationship, proffering that she had discovered her own homosexual desires.

All we were worried about were the kids. It was heartbreaking for us when, after months of watching the boy be psychologically battered, mom decided to move them all to another town. We just hoped the kids would be ok.

Years later when we had moved to BC, the RCMP arrested me and flew me back to Toronto citing those insane charges. My acquittal was almost 2 years to the day of my arrest. What was proven in court was that the mother had broken into both her son’s and my email accounts and fabricated sexually explicit messages between us that she then took to the police to have me arrested. She profited on the fact that I was gay. The mother figured if I didn't want sex with her, I must have had wanted it with her son. Her husband concurred and charges were brought forth.
Charges stemming from the fact that I was gay, and suggesting that a gay man can only be attracted to young boys was the foundation of the allegations. Even the police, who are not mandated to take tolerance classes, could not understand that a man who happens to be gay could be a caregiver to children without there being a sexual motive.

So was it a gay thing? Did I live through 2 years of absolute psychological hell, financial destitution, and strain on me & my partner’s relationship because someone was afraid of my sexual orientation?

I know one thing for sure, I would not have been called into the Children's Aid office if I were straight. If I were straight I would not have had a father call the police stating he had concerns about his son being in the presence of a gay man.