"A Rob Roy," Chipper announced much too loudly. He looked around the table at our stunned expressions and seemed quite pleased with himself.

As we stared – Chipper is a devout martini drinker – the server asked in a bright tone of voice, "How would you like that, sir?" "Perfect, please," Chipper said. He leaned back in his chair and asked, "And what will you all be having?"

"Rob Roy!" Craig cried.

"Same!" said Dan.

"Make mine a Rob Roy!" Paolo decided after pretending to think about it for a moment.

"Who am I to break this chain of fools?" I inquired. "Rob Roys all around."
"Perfect!" Chipper said.

"What’s so perfect about it?" Craig asked.

"It’s a different kind of perfect," I started but was immediately cut off by Chipper.

"A perfect Rob Roy is made of Scotch mixed with equal parts sweet and dry vermouth," he explained. Everybody turned to me for verification.

"Och! The laddie’s right. Even the wee bairn o’ Scotland know it." Having once played Harry Beaton in a community theater production of Brigadoon, I’m prone to launching into a Broadway brogue at the least excuse. Dan groaned. "There he goes," he said wearily. "He’ll be Harry Beaton for the rest of the evening."

"­I’m leavin’ Brigadoon!" I blared and got up to use the men’s room. When I returned, there were five Rob Roys on the table. "We waited for you," Paolo said. "To make an appropriate toast," Craig added. Dan harrumphed.

"Och!" I sang out. "I cannae believe how kind ye are! To the Rob Roy, to wee Chipper, and to Sean Connery’s kilt and the bonnie peenie that lies beneath!"

Craig rather spoiled the festivities by spitting out a mouthful of Rob Roy onto the tablecloth. "Blechhhhh!" he said redundantly. "That’s the worst drink I’ve ever had!" Chipper was appalled; the rest of us couldn’t help but giggle.

"Noew then," I began, only to feel Dan’s hand squeeze my thigh. "Put Harry Beaton to bed, hon."

"Och!" I cried – Dan was not going to have the last word on this – "OK. I think it’s the ‘perfect’ that makes it imperfect."

"How so?" asked Chipper.
"It’s the wee – I’m sorry, this is hard for me – the small amount of sweet vermouth that clashes with the smoky scotch. If anyone cares for a second one, I suggest ordering it dry. And by the way, Chipper, what’s with the Rob Roy to begin with?"

"My aunt Kate started doing genealogical research and she just told me that she’s sure that we’re related to Rob Roy McGregor, for whom the drink is named. He was the Robin Hood of Scotland."

"Bullshit," Craig snapped. "You’re more likely to be related to Farmer McGregor."

Chipper and I were the only ones to go for a second Rob Roy, and we both ordered them dry. "Och!" I said much to Dan’s consternation. "I’m nae Harry Beaton noew. I’m Grrrroundskeeperrrr Willie, an’ I say it’s a fine a’drrrrrrrinkie!" "I live with this," Dan said to his plate. He received no answer.

The Rob Roy, Dry

4 parts Scotch (it was originally made with Dewar’s, but use any brand you like)
1 part dry vermouth

Mix both liquors in a shaker filled with ice; shake; serve in a martini glass.

I Walked (Barely) with a Zombie

My birthday was approaching, and Ramona insisted on taking me out to celebrate. "Let’s get shitfaced," she advised. She’d just broken up with a 24-year-old gymnast. For some reason she wanted to revisit Le Quai à Nice, the French bistro we’d gone to several months ago.

When I arrived I found Ramona on the sidewalk staring at the storefront. "What’s up, Mo?" I asked. "It’s gone!" she cried. "Look!" She pointed to a Caribbean restaurant called Turks and Cake-O’s. Le Quai à Nice was now a calypso joint. "Oh well," she shrugged. "Conch fritters, anyone?"

We were seated immediately, Turks and Cake-O’s not having quite caught on yet. "Two Zombies," Ramona yelled at the dark, handsome waiter before she’d even taken off her coat. "Mo, I really don’t think that’s a good idea," I said. "F*** you," she advised. "It’s your birthday, and I just got dumped by the best lay I’ve ever had." (This was an achievement; Ramona isn’t known for sexual restraint.) "What’s in a Zombie anyway?" she asked.

"A laundry list of heavy duty alcohol mixed with some fruit juices so you won’t know how strong it is. Let’s have one each and switch to seltzer."

"No!" she shouted. The bartender turned and looked at us warily, as did the three other diners in the room. "Fasten your seatbelts," she quoted. "It’s going to be a bumpy night." A shiver ran down my spine.

Mo polished off her Zombie before we’d even ordered any food, which gave her the opportunity to describe every inch of Geoff the gymnast’s body before getting anything to sop up her boozy misery. I’ve never heard even the gayest guy describe a man’s body in such hot detail. I felt like I’d spent a weekend in the sack with Geoff – with a magnifying glass and Klieg light. The highlights: "The best-tasting treasure trail ever." "Pecs like granite." "I swear he had a 12-pack. I counted!" "His dick was only seven inches, but he made up for it in other ways, if you know what I mean." (I didn’t, but didn’t care to ask for clarification.) "And the sweetest little hairs around his nipples."

"Anotherrround," Ramona slurred when the waiter arrived with the conch fritters. "I don’t think that’s such a good idea," I said though my own buzzy haze. Ramona leaned toward me as though she was about to reveal a secret. "Theysayitsyrbrthday, yagonnahaveagoodtime," Ramona said conspiratorially.

The rest of the evening was like limbo – the place, not the dance. I remember helping Ramona on with her coat at the front door with the waiter hurrying toward us with the check, which we hadn’t paid; pulling Ramona off the sidewalk, where in an inadvertent homage to "Loony Tunes" she’d slipped on banana peel; folding her into a cab and giving the cabbie $20 to get her safely into her building; somehow landing in my bed; and Dan waking me up as he pulled my shoes off with a scowl. They don’t call them Zombies for nothing.

The Zombie

1 oz. white rum
1 oz. golden rum
1 oz. dark rum
1/2 oz. fruit brandy
3/4 oz. pineapple juice
3/4 oz. papaya juice
Lime juice to taste
151-proof rum to float on top

Pour all ingredients into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake, then strain into a Collins glass (a tall, usually straight-sided tumbler) filled with cracked ice. Float the 151 rum on top by inverting a spoon over the glass and slowly pouring a thin stream of 151 over the back of the spoon.