Dear GayCalgary,

Are we always to be out of sight and out of mind?  Some days (most days) that is how I feel I am living.  In 1989, I was diagnosed with arthritis and muscular dystrophy, painful and debilitating diseases that finally required my confinement to a wheelchair in 2004.  Another aspect of my life is that I am gay.  I felt enormous pressure to live as a straight man and have a family; I did not come out publically until 1997 when I was 38 years old.

When I came out, I felt the need to leave my past life behind and regain my sense of self.  In doing so, I lost a large portion of my former life.  Like many, I struggled with the spiritual, psychological, and physical aspects of being gay in a small Alberta community.  I did well for many years, maintaining good friends and support, but as I became physically worse over the years, I had to move into a long term care facility where I now reside.  Despite the fact that I am confined to a wheelchair, I still fight to maintain some sense of dignity and self-respect.

Adapting to life in an extended care facility is difficult for everyone, but gays face even more challenging problems - just the lack of privacy, loss of control, restrictions on activities, and financial burdens.  The most devastating aspect of life here is the sense of isolation from my community.

What I enjoyed most when I lived independently was cooking dinners and entertaining friends in my home.  I cannot do that in this environment.  Although many of my friends will meet me in restaurants, they are often very reluctant to visit me at the extended care facility.  My physical condition and limitations frequently make it difficult for me to plan outings, and this increases my sense of isolation.  Does this mean that I don’t want company?  Of course not, this is when I need it the most.

Sometime I need my friends to come to me.  Sometimes I need that the compassion, loving and support that my friends provide so that I can give it back to them when I am better.  There are many in our community who have fallen ill due to sickness, whether brought on by our own carelessness or by nature itself.  Is it our fault?  Sometimes, but does that mean we are less deserving of the love and compassion of our friends and family?

Many of us are lucky enough to remain healthy our whole lives, but a few of us get tucked away in senior or long term care facilities.  I think that one of the reasons that people are afraid to visit facilities is that it reminds them of their own vulnerability and mortality, but by visiting their less fortunate friend, they can relieve the sense of isolation, loss of emotional attachment and lack of physical contact.  Are we always to be out of sight and out of mind?

-Dave Kopp