I’m the last of 5 kids. I grew up in a very privileged background as my father was a doctor and a politician. I had everything materially one could ask for, from maids to the earliest computers, to holidays in Europe. Academically I excelled winning numerous scholarships to US universities. All of the things that one would die for. Yet deep inside something was wrong, something was missing that made me uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t know if it was my feeling flawed from the time I felt strong sexual feelings for men, if it was too much too soon, or my own personality traits. What I do know is that everything all of a sudden came together, like an epiphany, when I first tried crack in the driver’s seat of my father’s Mercedes Benz.
That first night I lost control and immediately became intensely paranoid – I was hooked. I was so scared but I did it again in a week. I was barely able to finish University. When I failed my final exam I decided that I had a huge problem and that I would quit for good. It was devastating to fail an exam in area about which I am passionate. I meant it this time. Before long I was MIA again, only to walk home not able to look my family in the eye, just jump in the shower and sleep for 2 days. I did this ad nauseam. Each time, every cell in my body wanted to stop but it was just not within me.
The next few years saw me in the remand centre, beaten numerous times for debts to dealers, disgusted friends who’d eventually leave, and a life barely worth living. I was introduced to 12-step programs along the way, however my lack of honesty and reluctance to believe ‘I’ had to do ‘those’ things simply made it impossible to work.
I finally had enough and decided I needed to change my life. I entered school to upgrade. I was so happy to learn I hadn’t blown my brain as I rose to the top of the class. Things finally were getting back to normal. I was also deeply and madly in love with a great guy. Yet one day the thought came that I could do just a half. It was noon on Friday. I surfaced at 4pm on Saturday and spent the next 2 months high. The hard part wasn’t so much ending up in a homeless shelter as it was having the man I loved so much say to me “No more…We’re done.”
I was lucky to have access to treatment center no. 5. As I went there something told me I had to be honest. Early on in the stay I heard and latched on to “You can want recovery, you can wish for recovery but you have to work for recovery.” I remembered all those suggestion I heard in Cocaine Anonymous that I would never do, like read the big book, doing all the steps and go to meetings. I lay in that homeless shelter wanting so badly to die. It was too much. Today life is so different. I am no longer running around downtown or feeling paranoid. I have moments where I feel a peace that I never knew back then. I know it’s a result of doing the work. It is an excellent way of life – friends, purpose and peace. I was so worried that it would not work this time I asked somebody what to do about this fear. She said “Just keep doing something for your recovery every day.” And so I shall and I hope you join us on the road in the rooms of recovery at Cocaine Anonymous.
Are you Sick and tired of being sick and tired?
Drugs and alcohol causing you problems?

Cocaine Anonymous can help. We’ve been there.

Call the Edmonton helpline at (780) 425-2715 or visit www.ca-northab.org, or join us at our Gay meeting Thursdays 7-8 pm at 9540 111 Ave Edmonton.